Dev Diary 4/24/19

Motivation is a real funny thing.

Yesterday I was feeling on the edge of burnout- when your anxiety acts like a wendigo, picking you up by your armpits and forcing you to run faster than you can manage, but never being able to stop until your feet fall off or it, like, eats you or summat. I felt like I was doing a lot of stuff, everything that I needed to be doing, everything but paying attention to my need to maybe slow it the hell down a little bit. I’ve never been good at that. I’ve tried several times, or at least made very firm resolutions to try, to keep myself from doing that thing that I end up doing over and over again. But at this point I’ve sorta come to a revelation, one that is both discouraging but also strangely zen-like, that my cycle of push-myself, work-harder, oops-work-too-much-fuck-how-do-i-stop, oh-right-i-crash-and-burn-for-a-few-days-in-a-depressive-spiral, never-gonna-do-this-again-until-a-new-idea-gets-into-my-dumb-head (should probably find, like, an acronym for that), all that is sort of just how I prefer to let my creative process drive me forward. I know it’s not always healthy and I sincerely worry about it getting more unhealthy in the future as my sack of meat and bones gets slung around this space rock many more times. But the feeling of impossible struggle and backwards-movement in order to create real change in habit is… a less attractive alternative? Where’s the kaomoji to properly encapsulate how I feel about all that shit?

Ah yes, here we go: ┐( ´ д ` )┌

Anyway, enough with that garbage. What I was actually trying to say by starting all that, the motivation being a funny thing and all, is that I was feeling hella burnt out over the past few days what with all the writing I was doing along with the lesson planning and the stressing out not writing my lesson plans and such – I managed to get it all done today and also complete the 2.0 Beta draft of the Core Module for the Sher’zade System. On like 4 hours of sleep too, the human body is a wonderful and perplexing thing.

I wish I was better at congratulating myself on accomplishing milestones cuz all I’m doing right now is looking ahead at the rest of the sections I still gotta re-write from Beta Doc 1.0, and it’s reminding me how sometimes I’m able to give off the impression that I’m a person with even a modest amount of patience. All I’m saying is that if someone knows a spell for summoning demons that are willing to write rpg copy in exchange for like, souls n shit like that, please direct inquiries to my business email address.

Boy that’s a lotta whining to cushion such a small bit of news. Father, what did you write in your game development diaries back in your youth? Why I can’t even recall, my child, they were lost in a mysterious fire long ago…

— Nagi

Author: Nagi